Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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