I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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