I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
