last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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