Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
