On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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