We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
