love makes seman taste better
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
