The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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