I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize