You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
