he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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