i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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