I want you more than these girls want KFC
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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