I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
