so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
