I cannot find my penis.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
When are your genitals available?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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