guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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