It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You're like the curious george of whores
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
