____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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