I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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