i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
