Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
