i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
