Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
