I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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