I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize