Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
