I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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