and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think I won the penis lottery.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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