I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize