Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
