dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
