The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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