I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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