Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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