i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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