3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
