All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
