Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
