its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
