I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
