It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
