i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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