I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
