tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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