I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
