i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
