My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
