It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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