fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My pussy is not your playground.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
