you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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