so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
