Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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