I cannot find my penis.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
