i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
