I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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